Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
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Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered