shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
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It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!