The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
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It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.