There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
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The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto