My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
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Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.