The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
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Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Lube but for my dry humor.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
Free him
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Running from your problems is cardio .
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”