[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
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Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
The pasta is now
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
step 6: release the wall snake
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.