Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
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The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
three things we don’t talk about
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa