ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
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My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
Duolingo getting serious.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”