Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
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What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*