I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
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Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
still the best tweet of the year by far
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me