WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
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what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance