Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
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Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Y’all ready for this
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.