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Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about