Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
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It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.