“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
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interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.