If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
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My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!