Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
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Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Whoa 😂
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!