interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
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Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
I am HOWLING at this
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
Art by Pastelkatto
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse