Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
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I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
girls literally only want one thing..
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
Awesome parenting 😂
I am yelling
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
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Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”