There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
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If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.