Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
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if I can survive this, I can survive anything
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.