Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
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Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!