Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
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I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
I am, perchance
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?