The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
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The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
Called it
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.