I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
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Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
A classic example of a cat being a cat.