Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
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*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
Support your local cemetery
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
me hitting on a model
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro