i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
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I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons