I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
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“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.