One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
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Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?