Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
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“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.