Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
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In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things