I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
You Might Also Like
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
our love story in four pictures
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.