[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
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Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
all that yoga finally paid off
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.