I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
You Might Also Like
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.