[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
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“Boo!” — cow with a cold
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
🔦🌙👣
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.