It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
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Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
🍛
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.