*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
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me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.