The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
You Might Also Like
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?