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They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!