Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
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Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
Fidel Castro was alive?
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.