I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
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Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
I wish I were this cool 😂
Sharon, call the vet
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.