My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
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Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse