HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
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Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.