Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
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Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
how to market bottled water to dads
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
A short story of betrayal:
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week