[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
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Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
Breaking news:
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf