if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
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Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Smile they said.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.