Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
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doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away