15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
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#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
When your parents check you’re ok.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
my first day as a raccoon
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.