i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
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Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!